what can I do now, seriously? let's take a look at my options, because what only matters is the first step, then the rest is unknown anyway. we fuck ourselves up by trying to foresee the whole thing. things change with each step.
so. I have two hours. after that, it's 8 pm and I need to train with this kid. what can I do?
- the first question that popped up is why do you want to do anything? why can't you just sit? because you're anxious? because you want something to happen? because you want not to be bored? it doesn't matter what kills that boredom, doesn't it? pussy, weed, business, trips.. doesn't matter. well.. it actually matters to some degree. I'd like to get myself involved in something useful. something that makes sense. could it be that you don't really wanna do it? let's face it.. you're like this for 30 years. you haven't changed a bit. your soul is trapped. you have manuals, you have blueprints. want some pussy? you know you have to get out. want some money? you know you have to get a job. want some skills? you can play guitar, make movies.. you could start doing that a long time ago, but instead, you just whine here and bitch about lack of motivation. about lack of signs. lack of resources. bad country. bad people. no opportunities. you will waste your fucking life. that's almost a given. you don't know if it's worth the candle or not, that's why you're making a mess of it. oh, boi.
I have to say though, there is something in you that doesn't like what's happening, that's for sure. that's why you quit. the jobs i mean, and the relationships you've been. weren't you always like that?
let's take a look:
– school... didn't study at all. fuck chemistry
– did you ever put up with people you didn't like? no... you ended conversations quickly.
– did you ever have jobs that ruined you? yes, for a very short while. at the beginning, it was just a matter of a few days before I quit. now it's a few months or so.
alright, so you have that thing in you, that is courageous enough to quit, but not courageous enough to commit, am I right?
commitment aahhh. you select what's played. choose one note at the time. this one could be better, the other one maybe two, but choose. play your life. play it. do it. don't think about the outcome, money, circumstances etc. play. just play.
okay, coming back.. what can we do in this 2-hour window. 1,5h now. let's ask this question – what would you like to do? fuck. okay, is that a metaphor? no... literally fuck. fuck girls and fuck the world. okay, but you know that you can't do it. your ego is too strong. you can't do it. the commitments that you put onto yourself don't last. well, that's because I do them just for the sake of doing them. i never do them as a part of a bigger picture. so what's the bigger picture? there's no fucking bigger picture, you know.
– no, come on, there is something
– if it would be, i'd get it by now
– there is something (let's change the way we think, let's change the vocabulary... that is also one of the methods)
– fuck methods
– okay, you don't want to use any methods, because you want things to happen spontaneously. oh, everyone would like that.
– well... you can pretend it's spontaneous. you can act as if it's all just one big play, and you're the star
– sounds good, how do we do that?
– you don't
– don't act like the guy, be the guy
– be who?
– being yourself means letting the spontaneous act manifest through you freely, easily without effort...
– wow, without effort.. sounds like bullshit
– it's only hard if you think it's hard.
– and it's only hard if you think it should be easy.
– hey, listen. it's like in this game... getting over it. good game, frustrating as fuck, but good. i'd like to be that guy, going through hardships of commitment... getting towards something, that thing i want to get.
– but i don't know what it is
– alright, but, when you're playing the game, do you know what's at the end?
– funny, eh?
– i think i just want to get to the next level, higher and higher
– there you go.
– but the world in which i'm living is flat. very very flat. no obstacles.. or at least no obstacles i'd like to tackle.
– i see, please continue
– and i don't think hours of meditation will help. i might get to the point where i'm okay with not going anywhere... but it's a fucking bore too
– yes, yes... so what should i do?
– let's consider the options again
– why? jesus... i know it's something useful to have as a skill but, no
– that's more exciting, but then even after a good night out i feel like i'm stuck here, in this apartment, with these people, no job
– but if you'd fuck you'd feel better?
– yes yes
– and perhaps it would clear your mind?
– a nice girl, that it took effort to get. nice pussy. we'd have to fuck at her place. she'd have to make me feel good too.
– you realise this is bullshit, right?
– i know. validation from a girl, is ephemeral. it just can't be that i base my wellbeing and happiness on somebody else. it's my responsibility.
– okay, shall we go further?
– so no girls, no programming languages
– no that's boring shit
– okay, how about travel?
– I am going already, Tanzania
– that's like 20 days from now.
– yea, i have to prepare and so on
– what do you need to prepare?
– like, pack myself
– okay, how about going out with friends?
– i have no friends. plus, everywhere i go i feel like a leech.
– kidding me?
– we know that achievement is a good thing to have
– yes, but what achievement?
– speaking new language, finishing a degree, earning more money, getting some prize and so on
– good lord, i'm so happy i'm going now instead of October or later
– that was a good decision
– but let's focus on now, because we wasted a lot of time, decades pretty much. and you know why it happened. you were not yourself. you did what was expected from you and you got paid, and you ate your sorrow away etc. so now we have to focus on now.
– checking your phone is the worst thing you can do
– can't fucking help it.
– you're unconscious as fuck, how do you expect making a decision right?
– i don't know
– well, you have me for fuck's sake
– yea... and how is that helping?
– i tell you what to do
– okay bitch, tell me what to do
– hahhaaaaa fuk you
– you think you so clever, you think you know better. don't eat this, don't drink alcohol, look for a pussy, manage your career and all that.. for what? for whom? fuck you.. you only make me feel worse. putting some pressure on me, asking questions, looking for answers. you want me to decide but you give me no choice. and then, when it's a shitty mood you blame it on me. you want me to live a splendid life... you think you have methods, and directions but you have nothing. you achieved nothing. you are nothing. what do you have? WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
– i have a desire to be better
– no, you fucking claim to have directions, but you don't. you can't decide. I'm a doer. I just do things. I can do what you tell me, but it is YOU who decides. and you can't decide.
– so fuck you. what do i need you for? to tell me that looking at the phone all day is bad? that jerking off is bad? that no sex is bad? that sweets are bad? that wasting time is bad? that lacking in skill and ability is bad? that building nothing is bad? you think i don't know that already? fuck you. i always knew that. always. you're just fucking standing in the way. one day you say, oh... protein bars are bad and expensive... but then a second after you're like.. i'm only gonna take a bite. the rest you can throw away. what the fuck is that? who does that? you're like... oh, the guy at the coffee shop treated me bad... tell him. but you say that after the fact. so fuck you
– okay, okay.. let's think now what can we do
– no... it's done. I'm over you fuck you. fuck off
– fuck you. I'll lay around for an hour, then hit the gym. and then happens what happens. fuck you. amen.