big roy

a journal

would you like to be someone else? after all, you're a bit fucked up. you can't seem to manage yourself properly. you'll never do the things you tell yourself you should do, and besides... you're not spring chicken anymore. you have doubts, your past, bad habits and all sorts of shortcomings. your looks are not nearly as good as you like to think. you're not so smart either and your taste is horrible. so what do you say?

well, you'd say no.

I never met a guy I'd rather be. I'd be terrified to get into their heads. I might enjoy their results, like money, women, skills etc. but to be them? no. but if I would have to choose one guy, who would that be?

bukowski? this horrible life, this loneliness.. watts? being drunk all the time, understanding but not bearing the heaviness of life? maybe an actor or a director, someone like spike jones? cool things he's doing, sure but.. no

If I'd trade my life for someone else's then I'd never know how this story ends. and what if I'll have to live with the feeling of “this guy, roy, cool guy, but because he couldn't get his shit straight we had to let him go”

I think it's love. sorry... I really think it's love! If I wouldn't love myself, I'd say.. yea, being someone like brad pitt would be cool. but I don't feel it... I don't feel anything towards him. fuck him. fuck everybody. I love myself too much.

I will not change one bit in myself. I'm exactly the way I am and I always will be. It's love, baby, and this love is unconditional and full of respect and trust.

I have the power. I won't do any special things just for you to like me. If you don't – your choice. I won't say you made a good or a bad decision. seems like we're not meant for each other.

so, to sum up – think about your needs. what is currently motivating you? that what you going towards is a goal that comes from that motivation. that also eliminates everything else out of your perspective. so you might not see the opportunities, the ways out of the situation because your system is obsessed with satisfying that need.

  1. I'm going out, or think about going out a lot. I think here I want to satisfy my need to socialize (that's why I like to talk so much to pretty much anybody). I'd like to have a girlfriend and all these other things too, that's why I'm missing my past where I had those things. that's why everything else suffers. my career, progressing and learning – all of it suffers because I can't satisfy this basic need.

  2. I have very little positive emotion because I have nothing I can progress towards. Days go by, one by one, very quickly and I'm in the same spot. I think a good indicator of progress would be a checklist. but it has to come from something real and tangible. it has to be part of a bigger thing.

I was very skeptical about dr. peterson's advice. he seemed to base all his life improving tactics on fear. I didn't like it, because my understanding (after reading tons of law of attraction books) was that without positive emotion, there is no chance for making your situation better.

however, fear can be quite a good motivator.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone;

ELLA WHEELER WILCOX

this journal is one big embarrassment. most of the content produced is an embarrassment. people making movies, songs, writing books, creating products – it's all the same. there's no fire in it, there's no steam. it's very very flat.

I don't think I can stay here. I told that to myself a thousand times. don't sit in the house. go out.

what can I do now, seriously? let's take a look at my options, because what only matters is the first step, then the rest is unknown anyway. we fuck ourselves up by trying to foresee the whole thing. things change with each step.

so. I have two hours. after that, it's 8 pm and I need to train with this kid. what can I do?

  • the first question that popped up is why do you want to do anything? why can't you just sit? because you're anxious? because you want something to happen? because you want not to be bored? it doesn't matter what kills that boredom, doesn't it? pussy, weed, business, trips.. doesn't matter. well.. it actually matters to some degree. I'd like to get myself involved in something useful. something that makes sense. could it be that you don't really wanna do it? let's face it.. you're like this for 30 years. you haven't changed a bit. your soul is trapped. you have manuals, you have blueprints. want some pussy? you know you have to get out. want some money? you know you have to get a job. want some skills? you can play guitar, make movies.. you could start doing that a long time ago, but instead, you just whine here and bitch about lack of motivation. about lack of signs. lack of resources. bad country. bad people. no opportunities. you will waste your fucking life. that's almost a given. you don't know if it's worth the candle or not, that's why you're making a mess of it. oh, boi.

I have to say though, there is something in you that doesn't like what's happening, that's for sure. that's why you quit. the jobs i mean, and the relationships you've been. weren't you always like that?

let's take a look: – school... didn't study at all. fuck chemistry – did you ever put up with people you didn't like? no... you ended conversations quickly. – did you ever have jobs that ruined you? yes, for a very short while. at the beginning, it was just a matter of a few days before I quit. now it's a few months or so.

alright, so you have that thing in you, that is courageous enough to quit, but not courageous enough to commit, am I right?

commitment aahhh. you select what's played. choose one note at the time. this one could be better, the other one maybe two, but choose. play your life. play it. do it. don't think about the outcome, money, circumstances etc. play. just play.

okay, coming back.. what can we do in this 2-hour window. 1,5h now. let's ask this question – what would you like to do? fuck. okay, is that a metaphor? no... literally fuck. fuck girls and fuck the world. okay, but you know that you can't do it. your ego is too strong. you can't do it. the commitments that you put onto yourself don't last. well, that's because I do them just for the sake of doing them. i never do them as a part of a bigger picture. so what's the bigger picture? there's no fucking bigger picture, you know. – no, come on, there is something – if it would be, i'd get it by now – there is something (let's change the way we think, let's change the vocabulary... that is also one of the methods) – fuck methods – okay, you don't want to use any methods, because you want things to happen spontaneously. oh, everyone would like that. – yea – well... you can pretend it's spontaneous. you can act as if it's all just one big play, and you're the star – sounds good, how do we do that? – you don't – what? – don't act like the guy, be the guy – be who? – yourself – what? – being yourself means letting the spontaneous act manifest through you freely, easily without effort... – wow, without effort.. sounds like bullshit – it's only hard if you think it's hard. - – and it's only hard if you think it should be easy. – hey, listen. it's like in this game... getting over it. good game, frustrating as fuck, but good. i'd like to be that guy, going through hardships of commitment... getting towards something, that thing i want to get. – yes – but i don't know what it is – alright, but, when you're playing the game, do you know what's at the end? – no – funny, eh? – i think i just want to get to the next level, higher and higher – there you go. – but the world in which i'm living is flat. very very flat. no obstacles.. or at least no obstacles i'd like to tackle. – i see, please continue – and i don't think hours of meditation will help. i might get to the point where i'm okay with not going anywhere... but it's a fucking bore too – yes – yes, yes... so what should i do? – let's consider the options again – alright – golang? – why? jesus... i know it's something useful to have as a skill but, no – pickup – that's more exciting, but then even after a good night out i feel like i'm stuck here, in this apartment, with these people, no job – but if you'd fuck you'd feel better? – yes yes – and perhaps it would clear your mind? – a nice girl, that it took effort to get. nice pussy. we'd have to fuck at her place. she'd have to make me feel good too. – you realise this is bullshit, right? – i know. validation from a girl, is ephemeral. it just can't be that i base my wellbeing and happiness on somebody else. it's my responsibility. – okay, shall we go further? – yes – so no girls, no programming languages – no that's boring shit – okay, how about travel? – I am going already, Tanzania – that's like 20 days from now. – yea, i have to prepare and so on – what do you need to prepare? – like, pack myself – – – okay, how about going out with friends? – i have no friends. plus, everywhere i go i feel like a leech. – food? – kidding me? – we know that achievement is a good thing to have – yes, but what achievement? – speaking new language, finishing a degree, earning more money, getting some prize and so on – good lord, i'm so happy i'm going now instead of October or later – that was a good decision – yes – but let's focus on now, because we wasted a lot of time, decades pretty much. and you know why it happened. you were not yourself. you did what was expected from you and you got paid, and you ate your sorrow away etc. so now we have to focus on now. – okay – checking your phone is the worst thing you can do – can't fucking help it. – you're unconscious as fuck, how do you expect making a decision right? – i don't know – well, you have me for fuck's sake – yea... and how is that helping? – i tell you what to do – okay bitch, tell me what to do – – hahhaaaaa fuk you – – you think you so clever, you think you know better. don't eat this, don't drink alcohol, look for a pussy, manage your career and all that.. for what? for whom? fuck you.. you only make me feel worse. putting some pressure on me, asking questions, looking for answers. you want me to decide but you give me no choice. and then, when it's a shitty mood you blame it on me. you want me to live a splendid life... you think you have methods, and directions but you have nothing. you achieved nothing. you are nothing. what do you have? WHAT DO YOU HAVE? – i have a desire to be better – no, you fucking claim to have directions, but you don't. you can't decide. I'm a doer. I just do things. I can do what you tell me, but it is YOU who decides. and you can't decide. – yes – so fuck you. what do i need you for? to tell me that looking at the phone all day is bad? that jerking off is bad? that no sex is bad? that sweets are bad? that wasting time is bad? that lacking in skill and ability is bad? that building nothing is bad? you think i don't know that already? fuck you. i always knew that. always. you're just fucking standing in the way. one day you say, oh... protein bars are bad and expensive... but then a second after you're like.. i'm only gonna take a bite. the rest you can throw away. what the fuck is that? who does that? you're like... oh, the guy at the coffee shop treated me bad... tell him. but you say that after the fact. so fuck you – okay, okay.. let's think now what can we do – no... it's done. I'm over you fuck you. fuck off – – fuck you. I'll lay around for an hour, then hit the gym. and then happens what happens. fuck you. amen.

it's just that life became a fucking bore. I know – what I do is a reflection of who I am. my world is my attitude, my unique perspective. I'm creating it.

access to beliefs such as: 1. I can write a book 2. have a family 3. feel positive on a regular basis 4. or start a company and work again on a positive challenge ... is simply inaccessible.

better yet – I can't seem to be excited about anything. can't seem to be interested in anything. I'm flooding myself with information. bombarded by it from every angle.

recently I rewatched Avengers. there was a scene where dr strange tired to foresee every possible outcome of this war with Thanos. they found 1 out of some millions of possibilities being positive, in all the rest – they lost.

but damn, they got a chance. there's a direction that can bring them to victory. I'm looking into my future and I can't seem to find anything positive – that's depression, not being able to see, that it will be better. not having faith.

it's not about money. I have it. it's not about pussy, it's not about good looks, and clothes either. I in the 1%. it doesn't matter what you have.

make your life a work of art. look at all the grandmasters, teachers, fathers. they didn't have shit. they lived on basic means, but whenever they appeared, you could sense their presence. you could sense... courage confidence mastery love, you could feel the love from them

fuck, and I didn't get exposed to such people much. who was my father? whom I admire? who can tell me things I don't know? (btw, things I read, and I think I understand, would fucking mean nothing if I didn't put them into practice or see them from a different angle, as some of the fathers can show me).

so, who's out there who got his shit right? who's authentic?

me.

what am I doing here, with these people, in this place? waiting for a sign perhaps. waiting for an adventure to come, treating life like a waiting room.

it moves on, fast, and I'm here, standing still like a bitch, expecting a sign. well, there is no sign. it'd show up by now if it was meant to happen.

so, I have to go and look for an adventure. it's just crazy, the fact that we're all running around, doing things we were told to do, either by conformism or totalitarianism. and I don't even mean, you or her... I mean the whole nation. the whole world. what are we looking for?

well... meaning, right? certainly not a point! there's no point of it all, but it could mean something to you or me.

I often feel stupid that it takes so little to feel much better. Go for a run. Go lifting. Smile to somebody. Get a haircut (didn't try that one).

Like today. I felt down as shit. As always, that's my default. Went for a walk, started raining. Then I met a girl I met few days ago. She smiled at me as she ran past by me. I had to chase her. Asked for a number, went home with a boost of energy.

Stupid, eh?

It's not that the default is you being depressed. It is the default now because you haven't resolved what needs to be fixed.

Anyway, I feel as if Jesus threw her at me from the sky, giving me another chance, yet another. He's like.. got dammit! this guy! how many times do I need to help him? how many times till he understands?

you know what? even if she won't call me, or text me... I'm very grateful I met her. It made me realized something.

I was not happy with the kind of coffee I got from the guy. His store looked okay from the outside, 5bucks later he gave me this shit. Jesus. I should've said something.

This is what it is with me. Everywhere and every time. I get fucked. By people, by her, by brothers, by companies, by marketing tricks, by food ads. All the time, they rob me of my money, dignity, and honor.

But only after my consent. I agree to all of that in the beginning. I give the power away. I am the one who sucks, who's agreeable.