big roy

a journal

I wake up with great struggle, friend.

I look forward to morning coffee just before I go to bed – it's the highlight of my day, because after I'm done with it, everything gets worse

the only way for me to do this job, really, is to fill myself with coffee and put on some justice so fucking loud, that I can't hear my thoughts anymore

I was just tired of everything. Had no life. Was there hope fo me? Was there butterflies or donkey waiting to jerk me off? don't know, and won't know. Truth is – it'll never knock on your door.

Little steps, build that confidence. Little steps, build them skills. the discipline

So I have to come up with a schedule – that's easy I have to follow it – oh boi, there we go.

Is there anything I'd love to do?

Fly, choke motherfuckers etc. I wrote it down somewhere. Let me find it quick: ok got it

So, apart from Saturday, here's what's gonna happen:

Rule number 1: No sugar, no fucking bread, no coffee no smoke or porn or none of that stuff, okay?

Rule number 2: You wake up 5:30 every morning You flush your face with cold water You go to gym, and you should be finished with that by 8

Hindu say that life is mostly suffering. I couldn't accept that for a long time, but it finally started to make sense. I was pissed that you have put effort into life, otherwise, it's gonna suck. I was pissed at that being the default.

But it has to be that way because joy goes hand in hand with appreciation. And in order to appreciate something, it has not to come easily to us.

so, the plan is to go back to my country. sign up for philosophy, do jiujutsu, um.. and make a pilot license. and be a fucking pilot. i mean not to fly profesionally, but to be able to fucking fly. to show off. understand?

jiujutsu is good cause it gives me this opportunity to choke motherfuckers. i like to do it, because it unwinds me.

i don't fucking know.

the problem is I'm not moving forward at all. it's a groundhog day. same thoughts, same patterns trapped in an endless loop.

always listening to others, taking their word for truth. I'd say “I'm mostly dead wood”, but then again, that's not my thought, it's from Peterson (who might perhaps take it from someone else himself)

where's the joy? I really feel like if I'm not going to do something to find it quick then I'm done. dead. end of my ballad.

waking up every day with this stone on my chest... not for weeks or months, but decades. who'd live like that?

my options are limited. with every minute they shrink in fact.

simple questions: 1. stay or leave? – according to Erickson or Maslow, I should be developing strong relationships now. but, I'm not safe, have no employment or assets. plus, I should be having a strong sense of self before entering relationships. think I skipped that part.

who am I then? what I'm like?

it's absolutely incredible that I can't appreciate or even notice, that I'm becoming better at things by practice. you might say, oh... but that's such a basic thing! yes, but because I'm trapped in my bullshit for years, I don't even see it. 99.98% of thoughts in my head are repetitive. day after day, same bullshit. so, even though I train, put effort into things and they're naturally come easier in the next iteration – I just think I got lucky.

whatever your profession, if mastered, it will allow you to understand the world through it

bruce lee understood life through martial arts for hendrix it was music for lauren or almodovar – film and I think the same is for bill gates, who understands life as series of computational problems to solve

I have that too, being an engineer I tend to see life as a web of nodes, all connected and interrelated to each other. the brain seems to be processing information in similar fashion to a microprocessor

every node wants to be the best at performing this one task every node needs other nodes. disconnected node is useless time is a factor. with time your resources become outdated your unique build is designed to do one particular thing well and it most certainly shouldn't wait...

don't know how that happened, but I was hanging out with him again. this time we decided on going on a trip

booked some flights and then boarded the plane. for some reason the seats were asymmetric, and his was bigger than mine.

I got bored after a while, and while looking through the window decided to go outside. we were supposed to hike a lot once we arrive at our destination, so I was equipped with some ropes and locks and...

so I got out, attached myself to one of the wings, and then just hang in there with no gopro

the plane was gaining speed, so I got in. when we arrived there was this girl talking to me. she must've been bored with all the waiting for her connection flight or something.

she wasn't pretty, but I played the ball and flirt, cause that's what I thought was expected of me

don't know how that happened but I landed in bed with tyler. he was a nice older man, with a body. the content, i mean. something he's developed over many years.

we didn't do anything, because I was sweaty. I remember playing some games before. in the morning he was gone but left his macbook at my place. he came back for it, in his limo, with a bunch of other dudes. they gave me some stuff in return... like an ipod and something else, I can't remember now.

then I moved to a different country, looking for a job. there was one I was about to do with this girl. we were after this guy, who had my website's tattoo on his bicep. my computer was already bad, but this other girl completely trashed it.

then sylvester came along, trying to teach me masculinity.

beggars have it rough with me. but that one guy was quite polite. he was asking me for moooney quite many times. got rejectet again and again.

but today, i couldn't sleep any more. I dressed up, went outside and there he was, asking me one more time. I gave him 5 bucks.

he tried, relentlessly. haha..