big roy

a journal

problems which arrive when i’m high...

Fix relationship with my brother.. it’s my responsibility. all is my responsibility

Do that hard thing: flying

Man, starting to wonder, cause going to work just to scroll insta for 10hours make little sense.

I think it'll be the same. You in a different city, but looking at the same people you have no connection with.

I think back in the days, when schwarzie wanted to go to america, it was because he wasn't satisfied with the little information he had about it.

Now you can follow your idols on insta stories, every day. So you're not getting only vague descriptions of what's generally happening overseas, but you can literally see their 'normal' life. You so much more! Infinite amount of information. And if you're lucky, there's probably a sex tape of your fav celeb already released.

Of course it's polished and sweetened, but you're satisfied for the time being. Until the next time, when desire of leaving what you have and going into the unknown appears. When you're getting too lonely, or frustrated. Fap, play a game, watch an interview.

Same is for passion, entrepreneurship etc. We read stories of people who really live. But we, we're not living.

another day, another dolla. did nothing, still got paid.

that thing is true – you are who you hang around.

not only that, but also all your surroundings. the city. your room. your clothes. things you have on your phone. but most importantly, the guys you text to.

everyone knows about it. maybe not understand, but knows about it. and I've been, back there in soviet (hah) times, around people who were quite toxic. so I became toxic myself. I fought with it, but half-assing most of the time.

the only period I can remember where I really pushed myself was 3 years ago. wow.

what really hurts me, is the fact that i'm here for about 3 years now, and still can't speak the language. it's embarrassing.. but hold on, I was about to summarize my day.

So it started off good – half-assed in the gym, meditated like a bitch, and then asked my roommate if he could turn on the dishwasher a little earlier than midnight – because it's loud. He gave me the look of death, and said that if I want to have it run earlier – i should turn it on earlier.

I got really pissed.

the end.

p.s – half-assed journal post

stop hiding :)

big roy big roy. alrite, today we did shoulders. then we worked a bit. we had good food, thought a bit about life etc.

gotta say it wasn't the worst day ever. but it was quite bad.

I saw this girl atg today. she was a babe. wow. hope to dream about her in 30min.

Today I didn't go to the gym. I had coffee and was desensitized pretty much the whole day. But that's not the worst.

The worst thing is that I didn't introduce myself during the time I met this asian girl. Totally ignored her. I'm lacking basic manners. And, what's even worse, I realized that at the end of my day. Wow.

I could've introduced myself. I could've mention I recognize the name, and she must be from vietnam. I'd have something to say.

Problem is, I'm not happy. I'm not doing things I like, hence, I behave that way.

I constantly feel like there's something more important than whatever happens now. I'm missing everything.

i feel strange. unsettling i feel my own gravity field getting stronger

I became heavy, unable to move I must keep moving, otherwise this beast eats me!

don't stay too long in the gray area

I remember, I couldn't decide between macbook pro and macbook air

I was gathering data; pros and cons, for almost a month

that nearly killed me

apparently, bow hunting is done best, when you don't keep a string pulled for too long