big roy

I often feel stupid that it takes so little to feel much better. Go for a run. Go lifting. Smile to somebody. Get a haircut (didn't try that one).

Like today. I felt down as shit. As always, that's my default. Went for a walk, started raining. Then I met a girl I met few days ago. She smiled at me as she ran past by me. I had to chase her. Asked for a number, went home with a boost of energy.

Stupid, eh?

It's not that the default is you being depressed. It is the default now because you haven't resolved what needs to be fixed.

Anyway, I feel as if Jesus threw her at me from the sky, giving me another chance, yet another. He's like.. got dammit! this guy! how many times do I need to help him? how many times till he understands?

you know what? even if she won't call me, or text me... I'm very grateful I met her. It made me realized something.

I was not happy with the kind of coffee I got from the guy. His store looked okay from the outside, 5bucks later he gave me this shit. Jesus. I should've said something.

This is what it is with me. Everywhere and every time. I get fucked. By people, by her, by brothers, by companies, by marketing tricks, by food ads. All the time, they rob me of my money, dignity, and honor.

But only after my consent. I agree to all of that in the beginning. I give the power away. I am the one who sucks, who's agreeable.

didn't get up at 4:30.. the moment I looked at the clock was something like 5:40. So, I got up at 6. It was harsh.

I took a cold shower, meditated. Now it's time to plan the day. It's funny I'm always looking for a method. Always looking for something to hold on to. Searching for my identity. I don't know who I am. I know not.

Fact is, the more distracted I am, the worse I feel. But it's a pleasant feeling, hard to describe, but have to be true, otherwise, I wouldn't be addicted to it.

The image of myself, the ego. People are trying to get rid of it, and I'm trying to pick a nice one. Because, it feels like it's the time for me to grow, to move onto something new. But I need fuel, or do I not?

I can raise a sail. Full untamed expression of myself is what I need.

So, as it's 7 am already, I think I begin with the breakfast. But it cannot contain shit. It has to be light and nutritious. I'm thinking too much about the plans. Too much planning, Jesus.

Let's see what I have to do: – either go to pl or not – get a camera (these ideas that came up at night were nice) – haha, when I'll be in Doha, I have to find a lady to spend the night with.. don't want to get a hotel or smth – full expression – clean the room – gym ofc – my apartment ends in September. till that I need to pass 2 exams. look for a new place to live, or stay here if possible. find a job.

so in conclusion, I have no plan for the day. I did what I have to do already. I am here, waiting for an adventure. I want to contribute, to be a part of something bigger. But it's already a lost cause if I think about it. let the chips fall where they may. Let's be here, now.

So, as this being my first official journal post, I want to announce a few commitments: waking up 4:30, no yt jerking off, alcohol or snacks during the week. that's it.

I am going to do volunteering work in Tanzania. In September. The whole September.

I'm happy to fly with Qatar. Flights both ways are like 769. Not cheap, but a week ago I paid 350 for a flight from zrh-dub.

Funny I'm always hesitant. Always doubting if the thing I'm doing is correct. But oh shit! That supposed to be a journal, so I'll be writing about my day, my shitty-made day. What is journal supposed to be about anyway?

I'm gonna have a life – that'll be like – yea, that's my life.. dope as fuck.

I wondered so many times whether it is worth it. Whether it's worth anything. This struggle, the effort in pushing it through hardships, laziness, and doubt.

I had this talk before. no conclusions. I think I don't know what that thing I'm pursuing tastes like.

Anyway, it leads to nowhere, so let's begin with a typical description of the day.

I got up, after some heavy dreams. Can't remember them all because I didn't write them down. But it was something about a girl with a dirty ass that I wanted, but couldn't consume.

Then I had breakfast. Didn't want it to be as heavy as always, so I put less bacon and mixed my avocados with a banana (bad idea).

After that, I packed my shit, went to a cafe where I started to do some work towards my volunteering trip in Tanzania. Called my brother and went out to street parade with a buddy of mine. It was lame, but then we had a nice dinner.

Then I left for the gym. I had a decent workout, did arms. But one thing I have to say changed a lot – theta waves. Let's play them now.

***

And this is how I work most of the time. I was supposed to play this music, but instead, I watched a ton of videos and went outside.

Let's keep this shit going.